all-around ‘solid’ mail day. hope everyone else had ‘sweet’ mail days.

i guess anyone who has read my blog ‘regularly’ or even intermittently over the past ~2 years has realized that it’s gone through some pretty major stylistic changes. as i’ve become a little more ‘serious’ (ugh…that sounds gross) about my writing i have decided to make my blog less of a place to post ‘pieces’ and more of a sounding board. honestly, i’m kind of allowing it to be an organic process; i find (in my own experience) that no good comes from forcing any kind of writing to be one thing or another.  my writing is just my writing.

also, i will try to finish my facebook numbers series someday. it is on indefinite hold for the moment as it started to grind on my intellect pretty quickly, by that i mean, it seemed to be ~95% sentiment, 5% quality writing.  i’ll pick it up again someday.  i have to let my writing mature a little before i go after such a large project again though.

for now, just enjoy whatever i’m doing that day, or ignore it completely. i’m not concerned with hits, just writing.

i also continued to work on said novella, play video games too much, drink too little gin, eat too much cake, and spill an immeasurable amount of kerosene on my floor.  seems like i’ve been ‘binge-eating’ to some extent. think my mind is trying to reassert dominance over my body after i lost ‘all that weight.’

had a pretty memorable day at work. at one point, a guy looked over at me and asked if i knew ‘a decent trailer park he could go to.’ i told him i’d look into it. also felt i got to ‘bond’ to some degree with two of my more ‘aloof’ co-workers.

here is a screenshot of the thing i’m working on–

on the subject of tao lin, he is my favorite author and over the past three years he has influenced both my thinking and my approach re writing. however, i don’t write ‘like this’ to imitate or copy tao lin. i write ‘this way’ because i can see the utility in it/it ‘makes sense’ to me. i believe this ‘emotional minimalism’ to be the most interesting form of writing, and i feel i can ‘speak fluidly’ through this ‘voice.’ (after reading a tao lin book, it’s ‘hard’ for me to read other authors for several weeks. everything else seems ‘too flowery’ or ‘superfluous’ or something.)

tao lin’s writing seems like punk rock. seems like tao lin is the ramones and the rest of today’s literary world is the music of the mid-late 1970s, overproduced and full of ‘bullshit.’ just as the ramones ‘stripped’  music to its essentials (three chords and a ‘catchy hook’), seems like tao lin has ‘stripped’ writing to its essentials (story, characters, words). feel like tao lin is a ‘visionary.’ i ‘cannot help’ but write in this style as it seems to be ‘the most real’ style to me.

this ‘minimalist style’ makes everything more concrete, more real. there’s no need to ‘bullshit’ with anyone. one can just write ‘straight ahead,’ factual narrative and ‘get to the heart’ of what is being said. i like this approach. this style of writing is also ‘impressive’ because it can be utilized to write about ‘heartbreak’and love lost without being sentimental.

the use of quotation marks around less concrete terms is something that i feel is a ‘wonderful’ innovation. utilizing quotations marks in this manner allows one to both distance him/herself from unavoidable non-concrete terms and ‘point out’ terms that are vernacular rather than literary or lingua franca. quotation marks are also ‘cool’ to utilize for emphasis.

tao lin’s voice is unique and remains ‘refreshing,’ even two novels, two books of poetry, a collection of short stories, and a novella into his career. i realize my voice utilizes several facets of his writing style, but at the same time, it is uniquely mine. and that is why i have ‘scrapped’ my novella. not because i felt my writing style was emulating tao lin, but because i felt the story i was trying to tell was being ‘forced.’ i will continue to write in this voice, but i will tell my own story. i have a lot to say.

at some point, listened to ‘never gonna give you up’ by rick astley, ‘i touch myself’ by the divinyls, and 2x ‘american pie’ by don mclean in a nonironic fashion on ‘fm radio.’ talked to several people re moving back to ‘wormtown.’ felt like everyone was vaguely ‘for’ it. thought multiple times ‘if sugar’s so bad for you, why did jesus make it so sweet?’ had an ‘awesome’ text conversation involving kanye west and tornadoes maybe with mark nothum. thought about our conversation ‘coming to life’ and seeing kanye ‘whisked away’ by a tornado.

hugged my brother ~4:00 a.m. before he ‘boarded’ his plane back to new york city. thought about going with him or maybe just driving north and staying with philip in ‘d.c.’ briefly thought about driving straight to worcester and ‘moving in,’ to some extent, with one of my friends there. bought a diane cluck album and briefly stared at megan boyle’s ‘author’ photo on some website. ‘settled’ on staying in south carolina until at least august, perhaps longer if i find a ‘sweet past time.’

• city life
• more people
• more excitement
• boston is only a short trip away
• ‘tons’ of bands playing the area
• closer to my brother
• closer to nyc
• could finish ‘grad’ school
• could see ‘old friends’
• ‘surviving’ a worcester winter ‘makes you a man’ (even if you’re female)
• the tao lin literary cannon
• more ‘opportunity’
• culture

feel like moving back and finishing graduate school is a ‘really ambitious move’ that shows i am ‘interested in bettering myself as a person.’  feel like staying in anderson displays a ‘lack of initiative,’ as well as an ‘inability to make critical decisions.’  feel like there is ‘something pretty sweet’ about being ~3 hours or less away from nyc, new haven, boston, and several other ‘hot spots.’  feel like ‘living on an air mattress’ for a year would display a certain amount of ‘gumption.’

thinking i may ‘move back’ in early may and ‘knock this grad school thing out,’ while intermittently wandering the streets of boston/cambridge and taking the late train back to worcester.  feel like i really only ‘made the most of it’ for three months last time before ‘giving up/giving in.’  feel like with my focus on finishing school i could ‘just get it done.’

think i may start saving, find a furnished apartment, contact assumption college, have my brakes ‘checked,’ and ‘take off’ on may 1.  don’t feel like i ‘need to do this,’ just feel that i ‘really want to.’  can remember thinking as a nineteen year old that i ‘never wanted to get married’ and that i’d ‘be completely cool’ to just live alone in a city and ‘take it all in.’

supervisor stated that she had to ‘show necessity’ for my promotion. said that the ‘president,’ or something, of the hospital was going to write a ‘letter of recommendation’ for me. briefly thought ‘scathing review,’ and grinned to myself for 3-5 seconds. supervisor excused me so she could ‘finish this damn paper work,’ laughed in a deep ‘masculine manner’ for ~3 seconds.

now, i feel that i am ‘facing’ an ‘existential crisis.’ do i focus on ‘my career’ and completing graduate school, or should i continue with the ‘easier’ job with hopes of continuing to have ‘plenty of time’ to work on my writing? does it matter since i grinned to myself in excess of 6 seconds during the meeting? am i ‘screwed?’ is my life ‘over?’ did i ‘peak’ at 22?

currently drinking 2 parts gin, 2 parts tonic, 1 part 160 proof vodka from a pint glass while listening to cassadaga by bright eyes and ‘chillin on the hardwood.’  hoping for a chance to meet conor oberst again. looking forward to my trip to charleston with friends to ‘see’ penguin prison and girl talk. might ‘dance my ass off.’

• on meeting tao lin
• pitfalls/benefits of depression
• on a southern baptist school’s fascination with the format (but more thought catalogy)
• a review of san francisco
• on driving 19 hours straight (worcester–anderson)

currently ‘in the process’ of creating a longer list of choices.  think some of them may not be ‘facebook friendly.’

re: what is thought catalog?